The Lost Mermaid

Crave the wave

2010-09-27T15:27:00.000-05:00

The beach has the power to restore us to ourselves. A day spent watching the waves or a long walk along the water's edge can bring us back to our center and remind us of the wisdom that resides within us all the time. At the ocean, it is possible to forget your daily worries and reconnect with your true self.

Intuition

2010-08-31T22:03:00.003-05:00

Intuition tells you to invest in yourself, believe your thoughts and ideas, and trust your own process. Intuition expands possibilities, knows there is more than enough time and money, and has the patience of a saint. Intuition is available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, yet very few people take advantage of its amazing decision-making abilities.

~Rhonda Britten

It's been awhile

2010-08-20T16:13:00.002-05:00

Guess it's time for that to change. Time to settle back in and reaffirm the positive in my life.

Excuse this house

2007-09-28T14:06:00.001-05:00

Excuse This House

Some houses try to hide the fact

That children shelter there.

Ours boasts of it quite openly,

The signs are every where.

For smears are on the windows,

Little smudges on the doors;

I should apologize I guess

For toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children

And we played and laughed and read,

And if the doorbell doesn't shine,

Their eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I'm forced to

Choose the one job or the other,

I want to be a housewife...

But first I'll be a mother.

-Author Unknown

Who you are

2007-09-21T16:10:00.001-05:00

Who do you think you are? Your perception of yourself becomes reality through the thoughts, decisions and actions of every moment. Are you kind? Are you loving? Are you honest? Are you successful? Are you wealthy? You are when you truly think you are.
Every day a thousand decisions greet you. They overflow with opportunity. They can take you to any place imaginable. How do you choose? How do you decide? You do so based on who you think you are.

What do others think of you? It depends on who you think you are. What will you become? That depends entirely on who you think you will become.

Who do you think you are? It is revealed in every moment, in every action, in every decision, in every thought and opinion. The great thing is that you can be whomever you decide you will be. It is your choice. It is your life. So who do you think you are?

-- Ralph Marston

Wanna Be

2007-09-21T14:29:00.000-05:00

No Shoes No Shirt No Problem

2007-09-20T16:22:00.000-05:00

“To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

2006-09-10T13:30:00.000-05:00

The wedding is behind us and life begins. So far things are going well. EXCEPT...my mother is having a fit cause she is losing control of me and my kids. Me because I am 60 miles away and my kids because they have just had it with her shit. My son decided he wanted to join the navy and she is freaking out...she called my uncle to find my son a job, saying I was giong off the deep end because he was leaving..my daughter just wants to move away because she always has to have her nose in everyones business.

2006-08-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

Wedding plans are coming along nicely...had I known then what Iknow now...we would have been married on a beach with a few friends/family and our children...this whole wedding thing is soooooooo stressful. I would never ever want to go through it again. I can't wait for the marriage...and don't get me wrong..the wedding will be nice...but we will be no more married then if we had run off.

2006-08-02T14:17:00.000-05:00

Terri Levine Coaching U: Is Coaching Right For YOU?

2006-08-02T11:18:00.000-05:00

Life Coach Snippets

2006-08-02T11:15:00.000-05:00

Life Coach Daily Tips

2006-07-27T14:31:00.000-05:00

Our time at the beach was way way too short. It was so great to see my best friend again...we really need to do it much more often.

2006-07-02T13:51:00.000-05:00

6 days from now I will be on the beach! I need this to calm my soul. To regroup...To clear my head. A week long vacation with my best girlfriend in the whole wide world! I have never had a friendship like the one her and I share...she is my sister..soul sister...my voice of sanity in an insane world. She can always ground me and help me see things clearly when I am freaking out. I am starting vacation prep...trying to get in the mindset...I need to make some career decisions when I am there...I need to clear my head as I ender into this new phase in my life. Mrs. Mermaid...in only a few short weeks.

2006-06-07T23:35:00.000-05:00

It won't be long now and that is where we will be! I had every intention of losing weight before I went and God knows that isn't happening...oh well...there is always next year..frankly...I am happy with the way I look...I just want to be healthier. I am tired all the time, even though my schedule is NUTS..I don't think I should feel this tired.

Since I was here last...LOTS has happened. My baby girl graduated from high school, I turned 40! Plans for the Florida vacation are SOLID..woohoo!!!! I am back down to one job. I am making plans to go back to school...again. This weekend is her graduation party. Future DH is racing his car and has rolled it once....yikes!!!

Will try to get back soon and catch up more.

2006-06-07T23:31:00.000-05:00

Angels around us, angels beside us, angels within us. Angels are watching over you when times are good or stressed. Their wings wrap gently around you, whispering you are loved and blessed. -- Angel Blessing

2006-06-07T23:29:00.000-05:00

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -- Bill Cosby

2006-06-07T23:24:00.000-05:00

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

2006-04-19T19:10:00.000-05:00

I need your opinion...my hubby to be wants the groomsmen to be dressed more casual then the norm and he is wanting to wear shorts...ok...before you freak out..check out these pictures and tell me what you think. My dress is halter style it's beaded with a train a little longer than the one in the picture. I don't really think it looks all that bad with the guys wearing shorts or linen pants.

2006-04-15T09:59:00.000-05:00

Your future self

The person you are to become will learn from the things you do right now. The image you have of yourself in the future depends on the actions you see yourself taking today.
A very important person is watching your every action, listening to your every word, and knows your every thought. That person is you.

Imagine yourself a year from now, looking back on today. Imagine your future self being exceedingly thankful for the way you lived this day.

Then step forward and live today with that in mind. Think, speak and act in such a way that the person you will become inherits many positive benefits from the person you are right now.

Confidence, integrity, strength and effectiveness do not simply appear out of nowhere. They are built by the way you live your life.

And now is your opportunity to live in a powerful, positive way that will benefit your life for a long time to come. Now is your chance to make your future self thankful for the empowering paths you choose to take.

-- Ralph Marston

2006-03-24T19:40:00.000-06:00

FLORIDA!!! FLORIDA!!! FLORIDA!!!

My best friend is doing everything in her power to get me to Florida for one last summer fling before the wedding. In July...the future Mr. is having some difficulty with this but I am doing my best to convince him that all the planning will be done by then and all he will have to do is pick his happy happy future bride at the airport!

2006-03-24T19:19:00.000-06:00

WOW WHAT A RIDE!!!!

So much has changed. Let me catch you up. Wedding plans are coming right along. We have picked an invitation and are now working on the wording and vows. I found a photographers this week...she is just getting started so the price is better than I could have ever hoped for and her work is awesome!

I went to see Billy Currington...DANG...DUDE IS A HOTTIE!!!!!!!!

I have done so much soul searching. I reached out to an old friend that I had cut out of my life and we are now talking again. That was a good thing...I apologized and that helped clear my karma!

I have ( I THINK ) found my passion. It's something I have thought about doing for so long and I Have had people try to talk me out of it. I have had people ask me what the hell I wanna do that for. I have had people tell me I'm not smart enough. I have decided I am going back to school for Human Service Associate..then for a Bachelors degree. I am so excited. I have looked at the classes and the basics I have already taken. Now I have MOSTLY fun classes left. I have been into self help for as long as I can remember and counseling should have been a no-brainer for me. So often people will just start telling me their problems. I can't remember how many times I have said "does it say therapist on my forehead". Well...I might as well be getting paid for it.

The day after I made the decision, H came home from school with an application for a local tech school and application papers for the same program. We will be taking the same classes. Going for the same degree. It is so exciting. I cannot wait to get going on this.

2006-02-27T20:23:00.000-06:00

It's almost the end of another COLD Wisconsin month. I once again find myself pondering where my life is going. My babygirl is now 18, my son almost 21. I am engaged to a man who treats me better than I could have ever hoped and has a 4 year old that has brought so much joy to my life. Yet there is an emptiness that I cannot explain. My finances are SLOWLY getting better. I am slowly getting caught up on the bills that I have had to let slide and with the grace of God I will continue to catch up...not quick enough but all in due time.

I am feeling stressed and missing some time alone and time with my best friend. We are starting to make plans to visit Florida again and I am so excited. We had such a BLAST the last time we went..now we are one year and plenty of experience wiser and this year is going to ROCK!!! I see hours of time walking the beaches of Florida. HOURS of pool therapy. Afternoon naps. Laying on the beach and reading for as long as we can stand it. We are going later this year and I hope and pray that we will be there to see the baby turtles hatch!

I miss her...I miss miss the time we spent together. I miss the time I used to spend alone. God...who would have ever thought THOSE words would come out of my mouth. When H had a boyfriend and left me home alone everynight I was going CRAZY and now I am begging for just a few hours of me time.

I have yet to find my passion. Don't get me wrong..I am passionate about caring for my family...all of it. But something is missing....I feel like I have so much more to offer. My life experience is being wasted. I feel that God brought me through those experiences for a reason and I need to figure out what that reason is.

2006-02-27T20:13:00.000-06:00

And they wonder WHY I wanna live in Florida! Need I say more?

2006-02-24T22:38:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here all alone. J & C are already asleep. My kids are 60 miles away. It's snowing like crazy and I am sitting here contemplating my life yet again. What do I want to do with my life? What do I wanna be when I grow up?? I am down to only working every other weekend at the job I love...what's the point...I can't make a difference and spend most of my shift playing catch-up.

Should I go back to school? Work full-time? Stick with the consignment shop because I know in a few years it will be making money so I won't have to work???

J tells me I need to be more spontaneous. For so long every decision I have made has been based on what is best for everyone else around me. He wants me to decide my future without considering anyone else. To find my happiness...my passion. I know I know...most are thinking...where did she find him?? But that task..while something I have always wanted to do is something that is very very difficult for me to do. I don't remember ever putting myself first...have I ever? It seems so sad but I am sure that other moms have done it as well.

I want to be at peace...I am tired of the restless feeling I have in my soul. God has a plan for me and I am struggling to figure that plan out. I keep coming back to coaching...but would I have anything to offer when at times my life seems so out of control.

I have returned to following my spiritual path...feeling like I have finally found "home" but I need to find a way for that to spill over into the rest of my life. I have tons and tons of books to lead me in the right direction but BUT BUT I don't know where to start.

I think God is leading me in the direction of helping people...I feel I need to straighten my life out first.

Then..there is always the bookstore I would love to open. Why is it so hard for me to settle on one thing and focus and be happy?? Gemini personality?

I miss my meditation time...time to clear my mind and just listen to what the universe tells me. There is so much out there for me to do...to analyze...how can I be spontaneous????

2006-02-24T22:12:00.000-06:00

I wanna go home!

2006-02-21T22:42:00.000-06:00

I could have sworn I posted earlier in the month. Not sure where it went or what happened but I will try again.

My life is flying by. The wedding is August 5th. I have a dress...but that's about it. My life is full of clutter...emotional and physical. I need to do something about it and soon because I feel like I am on a rapid downward spiral.

I feel sometimes like God is punishing me, although, I am really not sure why. I have been faithful in my relationship to J. I have been studying the bible, going to church every week, working on my marriage classes, I have turned my life around and still as far as finances go...I am not being as blessed as I need to be. The fantasy of winning the lottery this week was awesome. I wonder more than anything what it would be like to be debt free. I have been working so hard the past 3 years to get my credit straightened out but still it is a major struggle. I am so blessed in every other area of my life I really have no right to complain. I am just so tired of being stressed about money. Am I wrong to complain?????? When I have all these other blessings in my life???

I also miss my best friend so much. When we got back from Florida we promised to stay in touch and that just hasn't seemed to happen. Life gets in the way of all best laid plans. She just understands me like nobody else does.

Plans for the wedding are coming so slowly. I want to do so much but just don't have a lot of time. As it is now I should be balancing checkbooks instead of being here but I needed this mini mental vacation. An opportunity to reconnect with me. I don't remember the last time I took any time for me.

I also would like to find some time to workout. I am feeling so tired all the time with all the work and running back and forth. I need to get in better shape so I can keep up or I am going to crash.

As you can see my thoughts are so scattered. I cannot seem to get focused. There is just so much to do and no time to do it. How do other women do it all? I am sure I used to do it all. Depression just sets in with the financial problems and the long midwest winters. YUCK...I am sick of snow and temps below freezing.

Well I am off for now...God Bless

2006-02-21T22:38:00.000-06:00

Down By The Sea

The pulsing sound
of moving sea;
The ocean surf-
tranquility!
An ocean breeze-
With sunset's glaze;
Seaoats in view-
and ocean waves!
An endless flow-
of sand and shells;
Ebbed back and forth-
by ocean swells!
The flight of gulls-
along the shore;
A fleeing sand crab-
in sand to bore!
The seashore is special-
a great place to be;
God's love abounds-
down by the sea!

Glenn Caudle

2006-02-21T22:33:00.000-06:00

Come to the Beach

Come to the beach.
Come to play in the sun.
Come to splash in the water.
Come to have fun!

2006-01-26T13:50:00.000-06:00

Never stop growing

When you think you know it all, then you deny yourself the opportunity to learn anything new. When you decide that you've seen it all, you cut yourself off from new and enlightening experiences.

Every day is an opportunity to grow. Always take advantage of that opportunity, for it is a big part of what makes you alive.

No matter how much you've already accomplished, you can still receive great benefit from new challenges. No matter what your level of learning and experience, you can always raise that level even higher.

When you think you have all the answers, get busy and find some more questions. View each new discovery as a starting point, and not as a final destination.

The joy of life is in the journey. The fulfillment of life is in the growing.

Keep that growing going, and never let it stop.

-- Ralph Marston

2006-01-26T13:43:00.000-06:00

So much to do ..

Do you have so much to do that is seems overwhelming? Then stop thinking about how much there is and start getting it done.

Feeling overwhelmed is merely a state of mind that you choose. And just as easily as you can choose it, you can choose to let it go.

A new day, a new month, a new year dawns and it can make you feel like time is quickly slipping away. But in fact, time comes to you just as quickly as it moves past.

And that means that each moment you get the opportunity to make a difference. Each moment, the best thing you can do is to make full and meaningful use of that moment.

That is how you get things done. Moment by moment, little by little, small tasks build into great accomplishments, and accomplishments build into a life with real fulfillment.

You don't have to tackle everything all at once. Just do what you can, when you can, filling each moment with positive purpose and action.

And what once seemed overwhelming will quickly become a source of real and lasting fulfillment.

-- Ralph Marston

2006-01-26T13:24:00.000-06:00

You have the power ...

Rarely is anything ever as difficult as you first imagine it to be. More often than not, the greatest difficulty you must overcome is convincing yourself to get started.

Imagine what would happen if you could simply stop fighting with yourself and could just go ahead with whatever needs to be done. The great and empowering fact is, you can.

What if all the energy you put into avoiding effort was suddenly redirected into productive action? It can happen much more easily than you think.

What if you stopped making excuses and started making real progress? The good news is, you don't have to just imagine it.

You have the power to get yourself started. You have the power to overcome all those complaints and worries, anxieties, doubts and excuses that exist only within the confines of your mind.

For you control your mind, and your mind directs your actions. Make use of that awesome power, and truly great things will quickly begin to happen.

-- Ralph Marston

2006-01-26T13:20:00.000-06:00

Allow happiness

If you are not happy with what you already have, how can you expect to become happy by getting more? Instead of expecting that happiness will come to you from the outside, choose to send it out from the inside.

If you've been waiting for some thing or event or condition before choosing to be happy, there is no need to wait any longer. Go ahead, choose to be happy, and then you'll move more effectively toward whatever you desire.

Having the good and valuable things you desire is not a cause of happiness. It is an expression of happiness.

Happiness is not yours when you chase it or put conditions on it. Happiness is yours when you allow it.

Choose right now to allow it. Choose to be happy and genuinely thankful about who you are, what you're doing, what you have and where you're going.

And right away, that positive attitude on the inside will begin to build and improve the factors on the outside. Allow happiness, and allow your life to run in a positive, fulfilling direction.

-- Ralph Marston

2006-01-21T23:11:00.000-06:00

We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.
-Stephen Covey

2006-01-01T00:48:00.000-06:00

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.”

2006-01-01T00:46:00.000-06:00

A New Year’s Prayer

May God make your year a happy one!
Not by shielding you from all sorrows and pain,
But by strengthening you to bear it, as it comes;
Not by making your path easy,
But by making you sturdy to travel any path;
Not by taking hardships from you,
But by taking fear from your heart;
Not by granting you unbroken sunshine,
But by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows;
Not by making your life always pleasant,
But by showing you when people and their causes need you most,
and by making you anxious to be there to help.
God’s love, peace, hope and joy to you for the year ahead.

2005-12-27T12:30:00.000-06:00

Another month has come and gone. Christmas is nothing but a memory...a time that caused more stress than I care to remember this year. My goal is to be much more organized next year! I would like to be done shopping by Halloween...but time will tell and I am so bad about that. Sticking to goals that is...just so dang busy.

I have had no time for myself or anything really fun...it has been work work work and there really is no end in sight. I am cutting back hours at the home so I can spend more time at the shop and can cut wages expense. I am sure that is going to thrill the employees to death but I don't have a lot of choice...money is tight and I am so scared.

I have been doing a lot of praying about my finances and the actions I need to take to make things better. The answers are not easy and will mean someone else will lose a fulltime job...but I don't have any choice...if I did...things would be different. I hope she will forgive me for what I have to do.

Please keep me in your prayers. Financial stability is my goal.

God Bless and keep you safe in the coming New year.

2005-11-25T23:58:00.000-06:00

It's been FOREVER...it's time for an update on my whirlwind life.

I AM ENGAGED. We are getting married August 5th, 2006. I asked his fathers permission and it was a go...lol. It started out with us running off to Vegas to get married and now we are getting married in his church. It's a very nice church actually..the people are so friendly.

I have left the real estate company and I am working for an elderly assisted living facility. It was supposed to be 24 hours a week but has been working out to more and I have to work all holidays between now and Easter which makes me sad. Christmas is such an important holiday to me...I almost feel punished for trying to get ahead. I will hang in there...I know things will get better. I enjoy the people I work with and the residents are adorable. My first check was so nice...but gone as quickly as it came...in an attempt to catch up.

I have missed hopping on and jotting a few thoughts...I will try to do better. There is much more to tell but it's after midnight already and I am a bit tired.

2005-11-20T21:54:00.000-06:00

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into
enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order,
confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a
home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings
peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

--Melody Beattie

2005-11-20T21:46:00.000-06:00

"You cannot teach a man anything;
you can only help him to find it
within himself."
- Galileo

2005-11-20T21:31:00.000-06:00

“Living is a constant process of deciding what we are going to do.”

Every moment we’re making decisions. Some decisions are small and some are big, but they all lead us to right where we are. If past decisions have led us to this place, it follows that future decisions will lead us further down the road. So, where do we want to go? Think about it and then decide!

2005-11-20T21:27:00.000-06:00

2005-11-20T21:20:00.000-06:00

Ten Steps To Achieving Any Goal

1. Write It Down - Goals are specific, measurable, and time-
bounded. Write your goals so that they reflect all three
components.

2. List Your Personal Benefits - Identify exactly "Why" you
want to achieve this goal. List all the ways you will you
benefit personally.

3. Analyze Your Current Position - Success is information
dependent. You need integrity in your information. Identify
exactly your specific strengths, weaknesses, and
opportunities as it relates to achieving this goal.

4. Identify Obstacles and Risks - List everything that could
possibly prevent you from achieving this goal.

5. Identify Investments and Sacrifices - List everything,
including time, money, and sacrifices that you can
anticipate.

6. Knowledge Requirements - Identify what additional
knowledge you need to acquire or have access to.

7. Support Team - List the people, groups, and organizations
you may need help from as well as the specific role each one
plays.

8. Develop Your Plan - List in chronological order each
activity and their corresponding target dates for
completion. Use all the information gathered in previous
steps to develop your plan.

9. Set a Deadline - Determine on what date you will achieve
this goal.

10. Reward and Celebrate - Identify your reward for the
achievement of this goal. You deserve it!

2005-11-20T21:02:00.000-06:00

“When nobody around you seems to measure up, it’s time to check your yardstick.”

2005-11-16T17:10:00.000-06:00

Be good to Yourself

Be Yourself Truthfully

Accept Yourself Gratefully

Value Yourself Joyfully

Forgive Yourself Completely

Treat Yourself Generously

Balance Yourself Harmoniously

Bless Yourself Abundantly

Trust Yourself Confidently

Love Yourself Wholeheartedly

Empower Yourself Prayerfully

Give Yourself Enthusiastically

Express Yourself Radiantly

And Always Remember You are Loved

As you travel this road called life,
Be Good to Yourself
and make it a wonderful life!

2005-10-27T01:29:00.000-05:00

Love Potions Brew
by Hope

Lets have a magical halloween
One made special for you and I
The brightest silvery moon aglow
Bright stars twinkling in the sky

One treat after another to share
Sharing our Halloween in style
Surrounded with spicy candles
Jack OLantern wearing a smile

We’ll await till the darkness falls
A moonlit floor to dance upon
On the night seductively inviting
Beneath every star that shone

Both dressed for this occasion
Embraced as stars shine down
You in your black velvet tuxedo
Me in my soft red velvet gown

In magical spells of Halloween
All staged romantically for two
Spending the night in your arms
Both tasting love potions brew

2005-10-17T12:13:00.000-05:00

I hate MONDAY'S!

It's been a moodswinging weekend! My son moved out...2 days before his birthday. I know I know...he's almost 20 and should be on his own but it's still hard watching the baby bird leave the nest. My daughter keeps getting more and more serious about her boyfriend and the L word has been flying around the last couple of weeks. All of her freetime is spent with him. I was home all day yesterday and last night and still only saw her about 30 minutes total.

I have applied for a job at an elderly assisted living facility in the town my boyfriend lives in...it will be parttime for now until I move over there. I want to get caught up on my bills...I am tired of always being behind on everything and since my daughter is almost never home anyway why not use the time to make some money. With her going to school next fall I am going to need to be caught up on everything else so I can help her out a little bit at least.

My best friend has been very busy with stuff she has going on in her life and between our two schedules it seems harder to keep in touch but we are still working very hard to do so. I don't ever want to lose touch with her again...she is so special to me. I never want to face anything in my life...good or bad...without her. We share so much...so many of the same qualities...it's scary sometimes..lol. I love her with all my heart. She is my beach buddy and best friend!

Things with J are going great! He keeps bugging me to ask him to marry him. We went to his cousins wedding reception on Saturday and he told his dad that when we get married we are running off to Vegas. We were goofing around on Saturday night and I asked him to marry me and he said he is old fashioned...I have to ask his dad permission...lol. Sooo...tonight...when I drop off my work application...I am going to stop by and talk to his dad. Then we will see if he can walk the walk.

Things with the shop are about the same...the money is coming in but not fast enough it seems...I feel like I am on a sinking ship. I am going in today to pull books which instead of throwing away I will keep in hopes of opening a used bookstore the beginning of the year. (like I need ANOTHER project) It's my dream...the shop isn't...but I am hoping the shop will allow me to live my dream...we will see.

I have 7 days left at the real estate agency...unless I get hired before then...if that happens I will need to make some adjustments...I have already contacted the broker to let her know the situation.

I can't think of anything else going on in my life really. I seem to be staying caught up on Starting Over...which if you haven't watched you TOTALLY need to. www.startingovertv.com I have learned so much from this show..it's amazing. I see myself in everyone of the women on the show. Anyone else hooked on it??

Another show I am hooked on is How Clean Is Your House..mine is not perfect but DANG...how do some of those people live like that?!?!?!

I am so tired..I want to go home and go back to bed...but should go pull books...maybe I will wait until Friday to do that...I can get an earlier start.

2005-10-12T22:09:00.000-05:00

"Some of the shells that wash up on the beach were once very beautiful. We don’t know what kind of journey they had to take to get them in their fragile condition. The same is true for people. Be kind."

2005-10-12T21:52:00.000-05:00

You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage--pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically--to say 'no' to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good.'
Author: Stephen Covey

"Decide what is important and let the rest go"

2005-10-12T21:10:00.000-05:00

When people honor each other, there is a trust established that leads to synergy, interdependence, and deep respect. Both parties make decisions and choices based on what is right, what is best, what is valued most highly.

2005-10-12T21:07:00.000-05:00

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.

2005-10-12T20:58:00.000-05:00

Since love is the most delicate and total act of a soul, it will reflect the state and nature of the soul. If the individual is not sensitive, how can his love be sentient? If he is not profound, how can his love be deep? As one is, so is his love?
Author: Jose Ortega Y Gasset

2005-10-09T09:48:00.000-05:00

Change is all around it seems. I went in on Thursday and told my broker that things were not working out for me in real estate and that I needed to leave. I am staying until the end of the month. I am on the schedule until then and don't want to be unreasonable about going...and if in the meantime I sell a house...great...then I won't owe the broker so much money.

So...now what am I going to do?!? My first priority is going to be to get the store back in order. Things are unorganized, messy, needing to be defunked. My hours at the real estate have changed to 9-1 and 1-5 which will make working extra at the store a bit challenging but I will stay an extra hour on the days I have to work there and longer the days I am off there...when I am there mornings I won't go in to the shop at all....I have TONS to catch up on at home.

I am back to square one with employees. Bitching and pissing and moaning that they are worked too hard..they "can't do everything". NEVER hire family...never EVER. They all act like they are doing me a huge favor instead of a job. So things there may change come November 1st too...we will see how things go between now and then. I personally feel...and I might be wrong...that if I am paying someone to cover floor hours...I shouldn't have to be there. If I have to be there...I see no sense in paying someone else to be there. So we will see how things go.

Right now I am feeling very supported by my family and friends in my decisions. J have been great through all of this and is working hard to try to get me to open up to him...it's hard since I have been on my own for 5 years. I am not used to having a man willing to share my burdens.

I am off to shower and head outside to clean up the yard and do some winterizing....we have already had flurries TWICE. I am NOT ready for this...yuck.

2005-10-04T11:29:00.000-05:00

Here I am yet again..back to the TRUST issue. I accused J of something he didn't do. I jumped to conclusions instead of thinking about it, checking my facts and talking to him, I accused him of talking to someone else. Why is it so hard for me to believe him? I want to, I need to...but something keeps telling me that I am kidding myself if I think he will stay with me...so maybe on some level I am sabbatoging it. God that's so sick.

HOW can I put my past experience with men behind me and just believe what he tells me? I know having some doubts is normal with everyone but I was close to losing him last night because I didn't think things through and accused without being sure. I should have just asked him about it instead of sending him a nastygram on his phone. Again...avoiding confrontation...another issue I need to work on.

I am a mess...I actually felt like I had my life going pretty good. Then I go do something stupid like this and realize just how messed up I still am. How much more work I really need to do. God help me be strong and work through these issues!

It's raining here like crazy...I'm starting to wonder if it's ever going to stop. We have had such a dry summer and now it has been POURING rain for the past 4 hours with only one break and that was only about 15 minutes. My basement will be FLOODED.

2005-10-03T08:39:00.000-05:00

Things you can and cannot change

There are things that you can change, and there are things that you cannot change. Both have much value.

The things you can change can enable you to create, to achieve, to express yourself, and to improve the world in which you live. The things you cannot change give you the opportunity to grow stronger, to develop real wisdom, patience, acceptance, flexibility and effectiveness.

There is much you can learn from the things you cannot change. And there are countless ways to positively apply that learning toward the things you can change.

The things you cannot change give you a base from which to work. The things you can change give you an ever-increasing world of possibilities.

When you accept what you cannot change and find positive ways to deal with it, you lay the groundwork for success. When you understand what you can change and find positive ways to put that change to work, success and achievement are yours.

You are fortunate to live in a world where there are things you can change and things you cannot. As each moment arrives, you're in a position to make the best of it all.

-- Ralph Marston

2005-10-03T08:21:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday?!?!?!?!?????

It's a gloomy Monday morning. I got home late last night with C from J's house and I didn't sleep well at all. It's going to be a long day! I have lots to do today.

I have made a decision...good or bad..I don't know..but I have decided and that's half the battle. I wanted to get it out of the way this weekend but just couldn't work it into my schedule and the brokers. I am leaving the real estate business. I don't have the time to devote to it nor do I have the desire to take time from things I have going on to make time. I guess I should have thought this through a little better before I got into it $2,000 ago. Live and learn! I am meeting with the broker on Thursday to discuss it. I would be willing to stay for a little bit..but not past the end of the month. I did tell another agent I would cover for him on the 18th so I hate to leave before then...but we will see. I feel bad about the situation but I need to do what is right for me and real estate isn't. I know there is the potential to make so much money...but I don't have the drive to do it with real estate. I am not money driven. I am happy having enough to pay the bills.

Instead, I am going to focus on getting the store back in order...then in January, when the store is MUCH slower...I am going to launch the bookstore. I am looking for IDEAS. Decorations, setup, furniture, music, shelving, where to get books...all that stuff. I want to see how inexpensivly I can open this business. I want to open it on HALF a shoestring if possible...lol.

I am excited about my decision...but I am DREADING meeting with the broker..I know she is going to try her best to talk me into staying. I can hear it already. I am playing the conversation over and over in my head so that I have all the answers I need to stop her from doing that. I need the money from working but so far...I am $2000 in the red and I cannot afford to keep going this way. I know I am going to hear "it takes time" "it could happen anyday" "blah blah blah". Now when I am with her I just need to be able to STICK TO MY GUNS and not cave. God give me strength!

2005-09-28T14:43:00.000-05:00

"The feelings that you stuff, hide and deny are running your life because feelings can never be denied. They must be faced, embraced and healed if you want to start over. "

Rhonda Britten

2005-09-28T13:35:00.000-05:00

“Make your priorities yours, not societies’ friends’ or family’s.” Julie McKay, Glover, Vermon

Why is that so hard for me to do? Why do I allow everyone else to be a bigger priority then me. I think MAINLY it's because I really don't know what I want. I know I want happily every after and I think THINK I have found that with J. Things with my kids are going GREAT...they are both on the right track..happy and healthy. They both love J and C. They have never really liked anyone I have been with for the past 5 years...they have heard about men I have dated but only met 2 before J.
So we are making plans, building a future together. When my daughter graduates we will move in together. So really the ONLY area of my life that is NOT going well is career/financial.

So what to do about it? Well...life is full of options. I can go back to just running the shop. I can go back to working more at the shop and open a used bookstore...something that is needed in this town...making it possible to add new books as the income goes up. I could stick with working few hours at the store and doing the real estate thing. I could go to work part time at Walmart. I could go back to school and finish my associate degree. I could go back to school and get some sort of counseling degree. I have too much running through my head. I can't figure out what I want to do. I need to come up with something and stick with it because THIS is driving me crazy.

J says once I move there all I will need to do is the shop...and only drive over here a couple days a week. We will be making enough that I won't have to worry about a second job. So...why am I doing all this if I don't need to? I have NO CLUE. I just feel like I need to be doing something to make money...but I am not making money so what is the point?!?!?!

2005-09-28T13:17:00.000-05:00

"When you are willing to be truthful, you can change the way you think. Making things up only keeps you stuck in your fears and frustrations. It gives no answers but instead shuts the door to your future, whether that includes a new job, a new love, or a new you. "

Rhonda Britten

2005-09-28T13:01:00.000-05:00

“I’ve learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.”

-Martha Washington

2005-09-27T08:01:00.000-05:00

Soooooo...how's that balance thing workin out??

Not so good I'm afraid. J is trying to convince me to quit the real estate job. He says once we move in together I won't need to work at all let alone 2 jobs. This would be such a good opportunity to open that BOOKSTORE? Maybe go back to school for a degree in counseling of some sort? I wonder if I can do that online? What the hell do I want to do with my life? It's a blank canvas at this point and I am just throwing the paint at it TRYING to make something instead of planning and working on the masterpiece that is to be my life.

I am at the real estate office working on a file...a new listing that I just got and I am BORED out of my mind. I have made a huge mistake I think, doing this. Now I feel like an ass for trying...everyone in town has seen my picture in the paper, they have seen the brochures at my shop. I feel like a failure...but I just don't want to do this and I am tired of telling people how fun it is when I am going NUTS. How do you face that...especially I since just a few short months ago I was going to school for medical transcription and that turned out to not be for me either. Shit Shit! Why did everything have to be so public that now getting out causes the risk of embarassment. And so what?? Why does this even bother me...why do I have to feel bad about changing my mind? Why does it even matter to me what people say and why do I think for ONE minute that these people give a rip enough to say anything...that one is easy..this town is FULL of gossips.

Never in a million years did I ever imagine that at 40 years old I wouldn't be settled into a job I like. Now I feel like I need to start all over again. I can't help but regret the fact that I could have gone to school 4 years ago for counseling and could almost have my degree now...instead I let someone talk me out of it and now here I sit...still trying to figure out what the hell to do.

2005-09-25T21:19:00.001-05:00

It's been over a week since I last posted. I am TOO busy...I need a vacation...but my weekend away is no more. I have been planning on going to Iowa to spend the weekend with my best friend...we were going to see Billy Currington (hubba hubba). Now with the price of gas...I just can't afford it..it pisses me off. I miss her so much and want more than anything to spend some more time with her. We have been planning this for so long and it makes me sick that I have to back out now.

Things with J are going great. We got to spend a lot of time this weekend just hanging out and talking. We also got to do something along...just the two of us...that makes TWO things we have done alone together since we met..the first was a Kenny Chesney concert..today we went to the casino for an hour. His mom watched C and said that she would be happy to do it more often so we could spend some time alone.

He told me on July 4th that he loves me...for the first time...I asked him last night how long he has felt that way...he said over a year. Why do men do that..why not just say it..the past year I have spent trying to figure out how he feels about me.

Things with work are still crazy!!! I got a new listing this week so that made me really happy. I am still sticking to my guns and giving this until the end of the year to make me money then I am GONE. I am giving it all I have in the meantime.

The new season of Starting Over started this week. I should be off of this computer and catching up on that. If you have never seen it it is worth checking out.. www.startingovertv.com You won't be sorry.

Well...I am off to bed...I am going to try to get in an episode of Starting Over before I fall asleep.

2005-09-16T12:20:00.000-05:00

Why can't I figure this out...it's not like I am stupid. I am very smart. I just can't find a career that will make me money and make me happy. It seems I have to choose one of the other and while happy has always been my choice in the past..now money must be. At the same time I think about going back to school again. I took classes last spring for medical transcription...after taking a few...I didn't feel like it was what I was looking for...so now I am into the real estate thing and I don't think that's it either..my gosh...why is this so hard. Why can't I just be happy with one of the jobs I have and make enough money to support my family.

If I could figure out why the consignement shop keeps getting farther and farther behind in bills...that would help my stress level. Where the hell is the money going???? I am not doing anything to piss it away...I don't have time.

So what do I want to be when I grow up....1). A coulselor, and I think I would be good at it...what is the least level degree you can have for an entry level job? Associate...Bachelors?? 2.) Day care provider, I have the schooling and I love kids..I have taken enough classes to be a director but don't have a degree. 3.) own a bookstore/coffee shop...I have the space and books for a bookstore but the coffee shop would require investment money that I don't have. This should have been #1 on the list...but I guess there really is no order...just me thinking through my fingers. 4.) Go back to school in the fall for something...something...I am about a semester aways from an associate degree in accounting but having run my own business I have NO interest in doing any sort of accounting on a regular basis. 5.) Coaching would be fun too...but that would mean I need to get my life in order first...and I know how...for some reason it just isn't getting done.

I have made so many bad decisions in the past...I am afraid of making another one. I need to pick one thing and stick with it...something I will love and be able to do for the rest of my working days...WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR ME????

2005-09-14T16:56:00.000-05:00

Just go to your happy place!

I need to find some balance. My life is soooo out of sync. I always think about it in terms of making other peoples lives easier...Read...PEOPLE PLEASER. For some reason I feel like it is my duty to make everyone elses life better, easier, smoother. Meanwhile, mine is on a fast track to breakdown.

My best friend told me today..."YOU THINK WAY TOO MUCH"..she is right...I analyze everything to death. Trying to figure out everything that could go wrong just so I am ready when it happens. "Learn to go with the flow" something I don't think I have ever done...I don't really even know how...my whole life has been spent not going with the flow because the flow was never going anywhere good...now that it is..I am still struggling against it. It's so hard to just let go.

So...I need to change my mindset. Focus on what is good for me. I need more sleep, I need at least 30 minutes alone almost everyday, I need to focus on the task at hand instead of always worrying about the next task when I am working on the current one, I need to not worry so much about how decisions that are good for me affect other people, I need to reorganize my life, I need to eliminate the emotional clutter that is dragging me down.

I am starting today....BALANCE....the most important word in my vocabulary.

2005-09-09T23:58:00.000-05:00

The way out
The way out of disappointment is through effort. The way out of worry and anxiety is through effort.
The way to respond to unfairness, injustice, tragedy and misfortune is with effort. The way to get beyond the obstacles standing in your path is with effort.

It is truly amazing what some good, sustained effort can do. It will make you wonder why you didn't get started sooner.

When you are discouraged, make a little positive effort and your attitude will remarkably improve. When you are weary, make a little positive effort and it will energize your spirit.

Sitting around worrying, complaining, being angry and frustrated will do nothing to improve the situation. Start to take effort, though, and you enter a whole new positive, productive frame of mind.

With effort, there is a very real and attainable connection between where you are and where you would like to be. Make the effort, and work your way out into the bright light of achievement.

-- Ralph Marston

2005-09-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

Just another day at the nuthouse....

I got to work this morning to a voicemail from Craig...repeating my deadline and his plans if I don't meet his demands. This is so stressful. I left a message with the deputy I worked with last night and he called me back..I gave him the information to access the voicemail. He said he is going to try to contact Schneider tonight and find out where he is. I forgot to tell him that he has a gun in the truck..I have no idea if it's legal or not. I am sure they will approach him carefully. I have 29 minutes to meet his demands...I keep waiting to see that number show up on the caller id...or for my email to click and a messege from him. Every time the phone rang today I got a sick feeling in my stomach.

I told J today and he is pretty upset about it. He said see..I told you craig is in love with you...how can that be. He broke up with me all those years ago..saying I reminded him too much of his little sister to be in an intimate relationship with him. Which is fine with me...it wasn't that great anyway...ok..it wasn't great at all...not even GOOD. How can someone that loves you...say those horrible things. It's all about control...and now he has NONE and it's driving him NUTS.

I need to get the thoughts he has planted out of my head...I keep hearing his voice telling me all those horrible things...they won't stop.

2005-09-08T23:43:00.000-05:00

The very next day.....

It started today with the email from Craig telling me ...I have a little over 24 hours to admit my abuse of my children and have a plan of healing or he was going to notify the authorities of my shipping my daughter out for raping...what a fine mother/woman I am.

I told him again to not contact me or I will call the authorities and report his harassing me...and he said go ahead...call them and tell them I'm harassing you about whoring out your daughter so you can be a whore yourself...telling me child protective services will take her from me...then he said nevermind the 24 hours..he was doing it now. Then another telling me he will do everything in his power to protect and help the children I have abused...and that he should have known someone with my character and track record wouldn't accept the help.

I didn't say anything to him..then he tried to call me...called my home phone 3 times and my cell once...each time...I would answer and then hang up right away so he couldn't leave voice messages and tell me how horrible I am again. Then he sent the final email. .TRIED 2 GIVE U A CHNCE 2 APOLIGIZE N GET HLP..U HUNG UP ON ME 4 TIMES..SCHOOL ADMIN AND CHILD SERVICES HAVE BEN UPD8D..NXT STEP IS ATTY GEN/GRAND JUR
Y/AND NEWS MEDIA(SHILD SERVICES SEEMD UPSET BY UR SEX BUSINESS ((I was a phone sex operater for a couple of years to make money to pay bills and feed and clothe my children)) W/MINORS IN HOUSE)..IF I DON'T GET APOLOGY 4 ME/ H(daughter) N S(son) AND A COMMITTMENT 4 U R COUNSELING..I'M GOING 2 THE FIRE 4 THE GOOD OF ALL INVOLVED..OWN UP 2 UR ABUSE NOW...OR WORSE LATER! DEDLIN FRI....I lost it, my son was home and he held me for about 20 minutes while I just cried..then he went to the school and sure enough...the idiot had actually called there...my sons next stop was the police station...the cop said I had every reason to file charges and sent papers home for me to fill out...which I quickly did and returned them before I went to get C to spend the night with us. The cop said that by the emails and my statement that just talking to him wouldn't help..he recommended that I file charges..which I agreed to...I told him anything as long as it keeps this guy from contacting me again. He said he would keep me posted...all I know is Craig is going to be sooo pissed..I am afraid of what he will do..thank god he is an over the road truck driver...last friday he was headed for FL...I hope he stays away.

I also talked to my shrink...I called her first after the emails trying to figure out where to go or who to call...she said that I am right..he is wrong..that I am being abused and it needs to stop...I felt better after talking to her..even though it was nothing others haven't told me before...for some reason it clicked today.

I have been abused by this jerk for years...and I now finally see that he wasn't right about all the things he has said about me. I think I am going to be ok now.

2005-09-07T23:49:00.000-05:00

Quickly let go
The energy you devote to being annoyed brings you nothing of value in return. So choose to quickly let go of your need to be annoyed.
The time and energy you put into being offended adds nothing positive to your life. So decide to quickly let go of your need to be offended.

Winning petty arguments will do nothing to enhance your relationships. So find a way to quickly let go of the need to prove that you're right.

There are many things that can hold you back. But they'll hold you back only as long as you continue to hold on to them.

Each day is filled with plenty of valid reasons to be angry, resentful, jealous, frustrated, offended and annoyed. All that negativity can stop you cold if you allow it to take up long-term residence in your life.

So make the choice to quickly let it go. And free yourself to soar above it all.

-- Ralph Marston

2005-09-07T22:49:00.000-05:00

Wacky Wednesday!

My day started out alright...just a normal day...up at 6:30 and drive for an hour to get home. Spend time with my daughter before she goes to school, shower, get ready and go to work. When I got home it dawned on me that I hadn't talked to Craig since Monday and he was upset because I didn't have time to talk to him because I was at J's and I had just met and was visiting with his dad. So I shot him off an email that simply said...are u mad at me? BOY OH BOY did that open a can of worms.

He didn't call until about 4 hours later...then proceded to tell me how I am always avoiding my responsibilities. Telling me that I am stupid to think that I will make money selling real estate. Telling me that I should have told him what my plans for the future are..that as long as he has known me..that I was going to move to FL or CA (yeah..he knows me..never once have I mentioned moving to CA)and now all of a sudden I am making plans to stay. DUH He proceded to tell me that I am a bad mother, that because I allow my children to drink when I am around that I am abusing my children. That because my daughter has become intimate with her boyfriend, I am allowing him to statutory rape her..that I am a feloneous whore.

At that point..when he called me a whore I hung up on him...I listened to the rest of his shit for some reason...in hopes of defending myself...WASTE OF TIME. Everyone has different beliefs...mine happen to be that I remember what it was like to be a teenager and I can be a parent they can talk to and not be afraid of BEING JUDGED or I can bury my head in the sand like 95% of the rest of the parents...I choose being involved and if that makes me a bad parent then that is just too damn bad.

After I hung up on him I sent him an email telling him "I am done with him...don't call me EVER again". Something he has told me in the past and something that he threatened me with often. He then sent me an email telling me I have 48 hours to admit my abuse of my children or his password to email him will be changed and he is calling the authorities to turn me in....for party to statutory rape and for delinquency of a minor. The state I live in...parents are allowed to give their children alcohol...EVEN IN A BAR...it's not something that happens everyday, or weekend or even month for that matter. I can count on one hand how many time my daughter has had alcohol with me around. The age of consent is 16...she will be 18 in February. I will confess nothing to this asshole. I am NOT going to be part of his emotional blackmail anymore. I am tired of his threats and if the phone calls continue I will change my number and file harassment charges against him..I am DONE. It is time to remove this man from my life...someone who has claimed to be my friend for the past 4 years and has continued to try to control me..who mentally and emotionally abused me the whole time.

He is so critical of me....yet he was shot in the face years ago, before I met him...from a bad drug deal. He has been addicted to crack...had relapses and has blamed 2 of those relapses on me because I kept "fucking up" and he was having problems dealing with it. He broke up with one woman by letting her believe he has AIDS, he continually crosses the border to visit prostitutes in Mexico...even a shemale once, he has NO CHILDREN. NOW..."Mr. Upstanding Character and Citizen of the Year" is "dating" a woman from Peru who is working in the United States illegally in FL as a nanny. Yeah...I am the one with the messed up life.

I need to remain strong...I know eventually he will be back because I have put up with his shit longer than anyone ever has so he will think he can continue but I cannot...and will not continue to put up with his abuse..he has officially BURNED THIS BRIDGE.

I am FAR from a perfect parent...I am sure MOST honest parents will tell you that they make mistakes, bad judgement calls, we gather ourselves up and learn from our mistakes to become better parents and use that information to make better choices next time. However, I am NOT a bad mother...I am here for my kids..they can and to talk to me about any and everything. They are typical teenagers, they don't do drugs, they are not in trouble with the law, they don't vanish for days...they are good kids and I am proud of how they have turned out. I wouldn't change a thing.

This seems to be going on and on...not sure why..I know I am right..he has just fucked with my mind for so long that I find myself second guessing. I shouldn't be. I have done a great job raising my kids and I have, for the most part, done it alone..even when their father was there..he wasn't there.

God help me get myself back...let me stop beating myself up.

2005-09-03T11:53:00.000-05:00

Saturday Blues

I am sitting here at the realty...bored out of my mind. I am supposed to be here until 2. Traffic is heavy but everyone is on their way to somewhere fun and NOBODY is stopping..the mail lady is the only face I have seen in the past 3 hours. The phone rang 3 times and 2 of those calls was the secretary just calling to shoot the breeze. What the hell am I doing?!?!

I went to J's last night...took C back...they were supposed to get up and come home with me this morning but decided to just wait and come later. He is trying to buy my neighbors race car and they are still racing it and he is all pissed off about that. Well...he hasn't given them any money and they just want to have fun with it while they still have it...why is that so bad? I don't get men...why do MOST of them feel so entitled to everything they want? I want a trip to FLORIDA but you don't see me getting pissy with people who are on a flight there right now...because they bought my seat. Isn't that crazy logic??????? I don't get it..if someone can explain it to me I would be delighted to hear all about it.

My neck hurts today...C hopped in bed with us again last night and now he likes the middle so J and I are NOT sleeping well. I finally got up and carried him to his own bed. Not sure if J liked that or not but I had to work today and I think I am entitled to TWO hours of restful sleep.

I am so confused about so many aspects of my life right now. I wonder how much contact J is still having with the bitch of an exbabysitter. I want her GONE with NO contact or I am going to seriously contemplate....not staying...and it's killing me...but I won't share his attention with that BITCH. If he doesn't see a problem with that then he's crazy too. The idea of her moving to the next street should tell him just exactly how mentally unstable this nut is...but I wonder. I also wonder just exactly what their relationship was...I wonder more and more about it and the next time the opportunity comes up I am asking him straight out.

The shop is busier because people can't afford to go out of town to shop so that is kind of nice...at the same time...I still hate it. It's way more work then I care to invest and I am not lazy...I am just tired of all the bullshit...when will it ever end. People think they can walk all over you and tell you how to run your business. I honestly had some woman come in and tell me that I needed to accept winter coats for adults and put them down on the main floor because they would sell better. This from the woman who has brought in the same winter coats since I opened 8 years ago....and they STILL haven't sold...I am not taking them because of that for one thing and for another...people STEAL them...can you believe that...they are robbing me blind. I am sure sooo much goes out as stolen merchandise..then I get to listen to the consignors bitch. THEN another woman bought a small tv almost a month ago...we held the tag for 5 days to give her a chance to make sure it was going to work with her cable...well...yesterday she brings it back and wants her money back. People always expect me to supplement their stupidity.

I need a vacation...I need pool therapy and BEACH TIME!!!!

2005-09-01T18:02:00.000-05:00

September 1st already???

I cannot believe it. Yesterday was a horrible day. There were employee issues, daughter problems, a friend being a pain (a man of course) among the other billion little things that seemed to go wrong yesterday. I'm not coping very well and seem to have the issue of letting the little things stack up until the pressure gets to me and I break.

I got a cd of pictures today from my FL vacation...I wanna go home so bad. I need to get away from it all...maybe that's running from my problems and not such a good idea?!?!

Today has been spent trying to figure out my next step. What direction am I going now? I don't know, all I do know is that things are NOT working out the way I had hoped to so something has to give. I don't want to spend the next 273 days counting down to moving away...I want to use the time to live, enjoy my children, planning for my future. So what is it going to take to make me happy? Why is just saying it so hard.

If I were to wake up tomorrow and have it be the first day of the rest of my happy life what would it be like? J & C would be living here with us ( me and my 2 kids). I would leave for work and arrive there with a huge smile on my face. It would be a bookstore with a HUGE sandbox in the corner for kids to play while their moms or dads or whoever browse the awesome selection of used and new books. When they find something they think they like...they can help themselves to an awesome cup of flavored coffee and go curl up on a comfy chair or couch..the whole time the kids are having a great time in the indoor sandbox. A beautiful mural on the wall shows customers a peaceful ocean scene...waves...sunshine...sand..PERFECT. I can't go to the beach (it's all the way across the country) so I will bring the beach to me. I arrive early because I LOVE MY JOB...I stay late because I LOVE MY JOB. Any suggestions for a name for such a place?

The "library lady" said we need a bookstore in this town. She said that people call them all the time to see if they can order them books. They refer people to the nearest bookstore..which is almost 60 miles away.

I need to do some research online...find out what it takes to open a used bookstore. I want this to succeed...it's a dream that I want to come true. I have the space in my current business, I have access to used books to get me started...really all I need is more shelving. I can get used comfy couches cheaply, building a sandbox will be easy and easily filled. Any suggestions?

This is the most achievable goal that I have ever had...I can do this! maybe

2005-08-30T22:18:00.000-05:00

When we are little girls we dream of living in a castle. We dream of our prince charming. Then reality sets in and we want a house that stays clean and a man who isn't a jerk. Why do we settle? My daughter starts school on Thursday...her final year...I think back about all the hopes and dreams I had back then...most of which never came true. I was enrolled in school in the town my boyfriend is from and he graduated high school the year after me. What if I would have moved here and went to school and met him first. I had so much to experience before I was ready to meet him...I know for a fact that I would have never appreciated him back then.

I was enrolled in school here but wasn't going to get any financial help from my family so decided to take a year and work to save up then go the following year. That January I got pregnant with my son...and my whole world changed..in one split second. When my son was 6 months old I married his father because boys need a dad. I grew up without my real dad and didn't want that for him..I thought I was doing the right thing. At first things were ok...we got along very well for 2 "kids" who didn't really know each other at all. We did our best to make decisions that were right for our son. A few years later along came a little girl.

I did in-home licensed daycare until my children started school because I felt it was important that I raise my children. Then I went back to school...my son was about 9 I think. We sold the house I loved and ended up having to move in with my mother-in-law. My ex quickly started to seem more like a brother than a husband and our family dynamics changed and try as I might...I never got them back. I had 14 years into this relationship and leaving was the hardest thing I could have done but I knew for my own sanity that I needed to go. He never struck me...but the little digs and comments...still bruise my mind. I think he did the best he could...he grew up seeing that...didn't know better and didn't want to find another way.

All my life I dreamed about the big house on the corner lot...white fence...lots of kids running around. Now...I have none of that.

This morning my cousin came to my work to show me her engagement ring...she has been divorced less than a year!!!!! I have 5 under my belt and NO sign of a ring...is that just going to be another dream?

What do I dream about now? I dream about being happy and healthy. I dream about my children. I have such geat hope for them. They are both so smart. I dream of being debt free...a task I am working on! I still dream of my knight in shining armor riding up on his white horse and taking me away from it all...but then reality sets and I know that isn't going to happen and all I can do is try my best to get myself back to the life I dream of.

I am just beat and this seems like it isn't making much sense and that I am rambling sooooo, I am going to stop here and go get some sleep. I will check back tomorrow and see if it's any good or if I need a re-write..lol

2005-08-26T07:50:00.000-05:00

TGIF!!

Time is just FLYING by. It's already August 26th, can you believe it?!?! My daughter starts back to school on the first. C starts headstart on the 13th. I picked up C last night and have him until Saturday. When I picked him up last night..his grandma informed me of a conversation the two of them had. He told her, "my momma is in heaven, I don't have a mommy, maybe 'P' can be my mommy". It almost made me cry when she told me that. I told her that he will have to talk to his daddy about that one. December 8th will be 2 years since his mommy was murdered. I cannot imagine how hard it is for him seeing the other kids with their mommies. At the same time...I am not going to overstep any boundries and add to his heartbreak and confusion...so that will be something he needs to discuss with his daddy.

August 29th will be the one year anniversary of the first time J and I met in person. I can't help but wonder if he will even remember. He is very romantic and attentive but he always has so much running through his head and C's mommy's family doesn't help. Her aunt called him and was telling him about the laminated love notes on "her" headstone. WHY WHY WHY would she do that to him? She doesn't want him to be able to go on with his life...she continues to hurt him..it's one thing to tell him about the letters...but she took them and was reading them to him. That is so horrible and I promise you, once I am living there...THAT will be made clear. I have no problem with contact with her family..I encourage it actually...BUT there will be no manipulation taking place...that I will NOT stand for. It is killing me now, watching what this woman is doing to J.

2005-08-24T21:34:00.000-05:00

I told you I was having a mid-life crisis. Today..my daughter talked me into getting my nose pierced. It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would...BUT...it did feel just a little strange.

2005-08-22T16:16:00.000-05:00

I am in such a funk. Midlife crisis?? Is that possible? Shouldn't I know by now what I want to do? My emotions are all over the road. Things that normally don't bother me are making me cry. I am extra stressed out by the same old everyday stuff. My hours this week change...I will now be at job 1, the one I own, mornings until 1 then the real estate place when I am not there...either mornings or afternoons. The days I work afternoons at the RE place...I will be at the shop until 1 then there at 1:30...then 4 nights a week it's an hour drive off to watch C. I know it seems like a lot of running and hour each way...but that seems like my little escape of sorts. I don't have to deal with the day to day things around here. Maybe running from my problems. I am sure that is part of it..when I am there I don't have bill collectors or telemarketers calling me all night long.

What am I going to do? I need to sort all this out in my head. I have to find a way to make this work. I can't keep trying something for 6 months then throwing in the towel...can I? Really, why can't I...why am I so worried about what other people think while I am trying to find my passion? Why does their opinion stop me from searching for what will make me happy? I know it shouldn't matter...how can I stop it?

"Simplicity is a process. It's a kind of surrender. It's a forgetting of the rules we never liked much anyway, of the values that have no real value, of the goals that never made much sense anyway."...How to Live at the Beach by Sandy Gingras

Maybe my values have no value and my goals never made much sense anyway...that's why I am so discontent. Now the question comes...what am I going to do about it...what can I do about it. I know I have to do something because I am so sad.

I thought once J and I had things rolling in the right direction that life would be great...but now that THAT mess is straightened out...it seems I have another one lurking just below the surface...and it won't be there long...for the most part I am one of the few who know of the storm brewing below...but it's just a matter of time before it hits and blasts everyone around me.

Give me strength to make the right decision.

2005-08-21T00:47:00.000-05:00

The Iowa Lady and I have been tossing the idea of a used bookstore around. It's been on my mind ALL day today. Since I spent the night ALONE..I have been attempting to do some research to see just what it would take to get sone going. I'm not having a whole lot of luck coming up with policies and organizational ideas. I'm getting a little frustrated...I know there MUST be information out there...I just NEED to put the right words into the little search engine..lol.

2005-08-20T23:53:00.000-05:00

Ok...I am hanging at the end of my rope by my breaking fingernails!!! I spent the night at J's last night and this afternoon both of my kids called wondering when I am coming home SOOOOOOOOOOOO within an hour I am on the road home. I get here..we had a nice dinner together then they both left saying they would be back in a little bit, fine and well. So they come back about an hour ago then tell me that one is going to his friends to watch movies and spend the night and my daughter says she is going to her friends house but will be home tonight...then calles me about 15 minutes after she leaves and says she had a beer so she is staying over. Sure is a good thing I ran all the way home to spend time with them.

So...I told them both I am leaving about noon tomorrow to go over and watch the race and they can come over or see me before I leave. If it wasn't so damn late I would get in the car and drive over there now...I am so sick of this. Everytime I make plans to be home and spend time with them...they take off...even though they say they will be here.

2005-08-18T17:20:00.000-05:00

OK...apparently...I am a bad mom. I haven't taken the time lately to bend over backwards and kiss my kids asses so therefore...today...there is lots of stomping around. My son is really pissing me off. It's my own damn fault. I have made things too easy on them because of the divorce..guilt is a wonderful thing.

ALL I asked (on Monday mind you) was that he PLEASE change my headlight bulb before Thursday night when I have to go get C because I didn't want to have to drive home with deer running all over the damn place and not have bright lights. Well, he got home from work today and because I said something about it he got all pissy. Throwing shit around, slamming doors, smarting off. I have fucking HAD IT!!!!

I am working 2 jobs, plus watching a 3 year old. I come home and the damn house is trashed because the two of them have either been gone or just sitting on their asses. Well...I had the afternoon off and I screwed around online and apparently it wasn't appreciated by the masses. I didn't empty the dishwasher, I didn't reload and wash, I didn't clean up the messes they had made in the kitchen. I didn't do more laundry. All I did was exactly what I wanted to do all day. It's not going over well but I really don't give a shit anymore. Neither one of them pay a GD thing around here and if they can't do the few, THE VERY FEW things I ask them to do then FUCK IT. I quit and I might as well move MOVING DAY all the fucking way up to NOW.

I am tired of being their slave. I am tired of always bailing them out. That shit stops here and NOW. They piss away their money and I am supposed to shit a new pile so they can do what they want...meanwhile, I don't have money to get a damn haircut. I just don't get it...I would have KILLED for the shit these two have and neither of them appreciate it...at all. I am just a fucking money tree to them, a slave and when that stops then they are all pissed.

I fucking hate this..I want to go to the beach and away from all this BULLSHIT!

2005-08-17T18:41:00.000-05:00

Well...can you tell that work is BORING ME TO DEATH. I don't know what the hell is going on at the shop but I am paying out WAY WAY more than I should be...I just don't get it! The real estate company is pissing me off...I am running my ass off for these people (buyers and sellers) and after 2 months I haven't sold ONE thing. I put 3 hours into a listing this week and the guy called today and said he is probably going to be listing with the company that sold his last house...and when I was at his house...yet another company had been there. PEOPLE SUCK. I am tired of running buyers all over the damn county and then they go buy from someone else. I am tired of looking at places that list with someone else and I am really really sick and fucking tired of people lying to me. I am not cut throat or back stabbing or underhanded and because of that...I don't think I can make it in this business. I want a punch in punch out job that doesn't interfere with my life...I want my life back! I am sick and tired of working over 40 hours a week and getting further and further behind...it's bullshit!

2005-08-17T18:40:00.000-05:00

Gemini - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

Your lively, outgoing attitude attracts people to you everywhere you go.

You can talk your way into - and out of - any situation you desire.

You're adaptable enough to flirt with anyone - and people tend to fight over you.

Your negative traits:

You get easily bored in relationships, and tend to jump from person to person.

You tend to be a bit of a player - and have a high tolerance for drama in relationships.

Not the most emphathetic person, you tend to tell lovers to "get over" their problems.

Your ideal partner:

Is intelligent and quick witted enough to keep you interested.

Is a bit of a shape shifter, providing you with the variety you crave.

An open minded person, who's willling to have a non-traditional relationship.

Your dating style:

Exciting. If your date shows you a new experience (like Egyptian food or scuba diving), you're very happy.

Your seduction style:

Experimental: it's rare that you try the same thing twice.

Ultra kinky - you do stuff that's not even in books yet.

Hot and cold... sometimes you're just not into the whole sex thing.

Tips for the future:

Settle down a little. Sometimes good things come with time - so don't let people go so fast.

Acknowledge that you're a player and flirt. If your mate can't live with this, find someone who can.

Give your partner a little more attention. You don't have to be a social butterfly all the time.

Best place to meet someone online:

Match.com - enough sexy singles for you to find a new playmate when you get restless

Best color to attract mate: Sunny yellow

Best day for a date: Wednesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

2005-08-17T18:39:00.000-05:00

You Should Honeymoon in Mexico!

After planning your wedding, all you want to do is relax

No busy honeymooon for you. You'll take a warm beach and a cool cocktail.

Plus, you can stay in a super swank hotel for cheap

And discover that there's little better than a pool with a built in bar!

Suggested destinations: Cancun, Acapulco, Cabo San Lucas, Cozumel

Where Should You Go On Your Honeymoon? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

2005-08-17T18:38:00.000-05:00

You Are a Total Player!

Congratulations, when it comes to the game of love, you're a pro.

Not only are you an expert player, you are a highly evolved one.

For you, dating is like a game of chess - with a much happier ending.

And you adeptly alter your moves, depending on who's in the game.

Are You a Player? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

2005-08-17T18:36:00.000-05:00

You Are Amy Lee!

Gothy, expressive, woman-in-pain
Who looks damn good in a corset
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears"

Who's Your Inner Rock Chick? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

2005-08-17T18:35:00.001-05:00

You Are Psyche!

Eternally in search of purpose and insight.
You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder.
Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily.
Just be sure to pamper yourself as well!

What Goddess Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

2005-08-17T18:35:00.000-05:00

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.

You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.

Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What Color Is Your Aura? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

2005-08-17T18:34:00.000-05:00

You are Betty Grable

The ulitmate girl next door
You're the perfect girl for most guys
Pretty yet approachable. Beautiful yet real.

What Famous Pinup Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

2005-08-17T18:33:00.000-05:00

BLUE

??Which colour of Death is yours??
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-08-16T14:29:00.000-05:00

Last night turned out to be a pretty good night...except for lack of sleep. My eyes would NOT close for some reason..I was up until 4 but it gave me and J lots of time to talk. We talked about our pasts, our future, kids, getting married...all kinds of stuff. C is feeling a little better, J is still pretty miserable...but he will survive. He is taking Friday off work to go to the races to watch my brother. His family is going to meet my family. OH BOY...could be interesting..lol

2005-08-15T15:38:00.000-05:00

I wanna go HOME...the beach is calling me! I am stressed to the limit and I need to reconnect with the ocean. I have been a real estate agent for 2 months now and haven't made a penny! I am getting so pissed off that I am spending 3 or 4 days a week at the office and not making any money. My broker just keeps telling me to hang in there but when you are a single mom having a job that keeps you away from home another 20 hours a week and doesn't bring in any money...it makes you start to wonder what the hell you are doing. I could be working at Walmart and making more than this and there would be a lot less headaches and stress than selling real estate AND owning a consignment shop! So now here I am ONCE AGAIN thinking I fucked up. I am pushing 40 years old and can't seem to get a job that pays enough to pay the damn bills and the worse part is I am working at least 40 hours a week, 6 days a week and babysitting for J at night(which I love doing but it's an hour drive each way and gets to be much especially with high gas prices...grrrr)

J just called and C is sick so it's going to be a long long night. Like most 3 years olds he is very clingy when he is sick and I certainly won't be getting anything accomplished over there this evening. He will be sleeping with us tonight...he just likes to be able to touch you when he's not feeling well. J left me his insurance card just incase he needs to go in...not sure how that is going to work...I hope they let me get him treated. With any luck he won't need to go. I got him some meds and chicken soup.

2005-08-11T22:23:00.000-05:00

Hi there...not a whole lot new here on the frontlines. I had to go to the doctor yesterday and in addition to allergies....I have bronchitis. When will the fun ever end?
Things on the J front are going GREAT. He is unlike any man I have ever known. It's amazing and scary all at the same time...I just keep waiting for the ugly monster to show it's ugly head.

I was in a bit of a funk today so I decided to dye my hair...2 shades of red....should be interesting if nothing else. Afterall...it's only hair..right? It will grow out or grow back.

Work sucks...I am tired of working all these hours and making NO money!! I need money! How am I supposed to pay bills...and save for a NEW trip to Florida?

2005-08-08T07:27:00.000-05:00

The wicked babysitter is gone!!! Well...for the most part...she is still making her drama filled phone calls attempting to make him feel sorry for her. BITCH. I just want her GONE from my life...slither back into the cave she crawled out of before she started fucking with MY happiness.

She is officially gone as of Friday. When J told her that he took the day off of work and was coming here to go to the races and spend the night. She got pissed...she shut off his cell phone...AND kept the number so all of his calls are now going to HER. This woman is PSYCHO. Then she calls him and lets him know that he got a phone call and who it was and what they wanted. Why you ask did she have control of his cell phone...because SHE got it for him so she could reach him no matter where he was or what he was doing.

Her leaving has slipped me into job #3. Keep your fingers crossed that J gets on first shift before snow flies or my life will really be HELL.

My kids on the other hand are driving me insane. My son graduated and moved back home and while I love having him here he is a PIG. No matter how much cleaning I do the next time I walk in the house the kitchen is TRASHED and he has dirty clothes laying all over the house. My daughter is a flipping basket of hormones...when I am home she doesn't stay here and if I go over to J's then she is sitting her pouting because I am gone. God forbid she just come with me...that would solve the problem. Once her boyfriend is back then it won't matter...I never see her then..but until then she is determined to make my life difficult.

I need a VACATION!!!!!

2005-08-02T14:39:00.000-05:00

A little boyfriend history.

I met J through yahoo personals April 6, 2004. We emailed back and forth for several weeks then when both of our accounts were about to expire...I gave him my phone number. For the next few weeks we talked on the phone every couple of days. Then the trial for his wife's murder started and we lost touch. He had been on my mind so I dug out my old caller id box, put in some new batteries and prayed his number would still be there and it was.

I called him and we picked up where we left off about a month earlier. The trial was over, the man had confessed to doing it...although they are still not sure what his motive was...other than that he had deep feelings for her that she didn't return. His family is from about an hour from where I live and he was making plans to move back to the area that he grew up in. We met in person for the first time August 29, 2004. He moved to the area in September.

We have seen some rocky times. My past was a great concern to him. I was involved in the swinging lifestyle for about 18 months...that started with an old boyfriend. At the time we met..I had been out of it for almost a year but he was still having issues with it. We worked through that, we worked through is grief issues, we worked through the distance issues, we are still working on the work schedule issues.

He had been off work all winter spending time with C and settling into their new life. He returned to work a few months ago. Not wanting to "burden me" with watching C..he started his search for a babysitter. His brother told him about Angie and she started immediately. She kept telling him that she had feelings for him, that she didn't think she should be babysitting if he wasn't returning those feelings and when he called her on it..she said that she would do it anyway. She has never charged him anything which is an emotional bond she has on him...she has such a good heart to do this for nothing.

I had fallen in love with J and C and around Christmas time he pushed me to reveal my feelings for him. The next couple of months were really rocky. Me trying to deal with having told him how I feel and not having him be able to tell me his feelings in return...or at least choosing not to. He just continually assured me that when he was 100% sure of his feelings that I would be the first to know.

We continued to hang out together and while we had developed an intimate relationship...in an effort to not confuse his son..who is 3...we decided that sleeping together would be something down the road when he was sure that I would be in C's life forever. He didn't want a swinging door on his bedroom and I could respect that because my kids had met only 2 of the men I had relationships with prior to J.

Things with the babysitter were heating up and I was getting reports from his mother about her telling everyone that J was her boyfriend and that she was making plans to have her tubes untied so they could have more children. My irritation level continued to rise. But still no word from him on his feelings so I just let things go. I could hear his frustration with her but his son loves spending time with her and her son so he didn't want to take that away from someone he had grown so close to.

I was in FL on vacation in June and she had the BALLS to call me from his phone and question me about my relationship with him. Saying that they had been dating for some time and she was thinking about breaking up with him because he was talking to all these other women and SHE was getting sick of it. I shut my phone off after that call for the rest of the day..when I turned it on there were several calls from J begging me to please call him and the last one was from C...telling me he missed me and wanted to talk to me please call. So, I did and proceded to tell him what she had said and he said that it was all made up in her head. That he considered her a friend and that was IT.

The 3rd of July I met an ex boyfriend that I have become close friends with in another town..he drives truck and was in the area so we met, went to dinner, went to a couple of movies but there was NO and has been NO sex. In honesty...there was only sex a few times and it was never quite right but that's a whole other day...lol There is NO romantic interest in this guy at all. Well, while I was with him (CM) J called several times and freaked out just a bit when he found out I was staying overnight but since WE had no commitments I didn't feel it was necessary to share that with him. On my home from seeing CM...I met J for a quick dinner while he was on break from work and the frustration in his voice was worse than usual...a couple of times close to tears and just not knowing what to do. I dropped him off at work and as usual said love you..and HE SAID IT BACK! Thing is..it didn't even hit me at first..I was half way out of the parking lot before it hit me what that meant.

We had joked previously about me moving in...but now when we had these conversations it was serious. We decided that I would stay put until my daughter graduates from high school. This left him in a bit of a pickle with angie. I finally got to the point where he HAD to tell her that we are a couple. Which he did...she on the other hand still feels that if she does enough to piss me off that I will be gone and she can slip right in.

So emotions run high when it comes to her and I have done my best to cope...he doesn't want to hurt her feelings because he needs her. At the same time...because I don't want to make things hard on him..I just sat back for a long time and put up with her crap. Then last Friday...after her throwing another fit and asking his mother if him and I are sleeping together...I sent him a letter telling him exactly how I feel about HER actions. How no matter how innocent things seem to him...SHE is up to no good.

So that brings you somewhat up to speed on the matter of angie...there will be more to come I am sure...cause she isn't going anywhere until I move in.

2005-08-02T03:39:00.000-05:00

I think he really HEARD ME THIS TIME.

It's 3:40 in the morning and I just got off the phone with J. We talked a bit about the babysitter (angie) "issue" the last time I saw him. He said he had a chance to reread my letter several times and has really given things some thought. He discussed things with his aunt. He FINALLY gets it (I hope).

See, the babysitter seems to think that it's ok to be questioning his mother about our relationship, that it's ok to leave things at his house, including laundry in his hamper. She stays over when he works late because she has a 1/2 hour drive home and it's not fun at 1 or later in the morning. So, she has started leaving things at his house, her pajamas in his hamper, her blowdryer, curling iron, razor, tampons. He never really saw it as anything more than her just leaving things there....I, on the other hand, see it as her way of trying to place doubt in my mind about their relationship. Maybe I am over analyzing this whole thing...but I don't think so. I really think this is her way to get to me because I have what she wants. As long as DO let it get to me..she wins...so I need to STOP IT..now.

I have more faith and trust in this man than any other man that I have been with. Why, sometimes I am not sure...because I have never fully trusted a man before. But he is so sincere with his words and actions. I know that he is trying to do what is best for me and C (his son). So, for now, I have decided that I am going to bear with him. He promises things will be better soon and I believe him.

Much to the dismay of some friends and family. They just hate to see me putting myself through all of this bullshit. I bitch and complain about the "babysitter" and I have every right to...but...then they just see that side of the relationship. One friend tells me everytime he calls..."so is it your night to fuck him or the babysitter". Which only fuels my emotions. It is only adding to the problem. I know that he is not having any sort of relationship with her. Her feelings are totally unreturned.

I am going to ignore the attempts she continues to make because I know where his heart is. I am also going to use this next year to work on me instead of sitting around stewing everytime she has C. I am going to use this last year of freedom to become a stronger, healthier, better me.

For now, I need to get back to sleep...but there will be more on this situation soon...more background to fill in.

2005-07-31T10:13:00.000-05:00

In the beginning!
I set this up last night in hopes of some big plan falling together...but that hasn't happened. So now I sit and wonder where to begin. I need an uncensored place to sort through my thoughts. Someplace where I can just lay it all out there...kind of like therapy on "paper". I am sure there will be lots of endless ramblings. I tend to repeat situations over and over and over...and did I mention over...before I finally make a decision and fix it. But that's just me...I always have to be pushed to the point of action. But once I make up my mind...I am THERE. I may be a bit abrasive at times and if I am upset the profanity may fly. As time passes it will be clear that I have a very jaded past and that this is going to be an adults only read.